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that next place.

These past few weeks have been so hectic, but full of good news. 

After taking a great trip to Pittsburgh, Morgantown, and DC, I found out that I was accepted into the Mary Pappert School of Music at Duquesne with a scholarship! Yay! Now I am left with only 1 more audition to do: East Carolina University.

I am a little scared and nervous, but it’s a good type of scare and nervousness. I just want to do well and have another option.

Now just to fill up that empty suitcase…

This week has been full of nostalgia, family, bittersweetness, and hope. My uncle who suffers from Alzheimer’s was recently moved to Lynchburg from New Jersey. He has had a rough last 10 years: his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, won one battle, but lost another that cost her, her life, then he was diagnosed with alzheimers, and the rest of our family just didn’t know how to handle him, so he let himself decay a bit.

Last week, my father got notice that my uncle’s best friend from the post 2nd world war was planning to visit him in his new retirement home. My uncle and his friend were in the Military and were stationed south of Paris, France during 1957&1958. They both did paper work and filing type of stuff for the army and since it was after the 2nd world war, France was pretty chill during those years. His friend told my father some amazing stories from their time in Europe. For example, one weekend, the two dashing gentlemen decided to travel to London and just stray the streets and see what looked like fun. They saw a marquee for “My Fair Lady” (Original Broadway Cast-IE Julie Andrews), and they asked for tickets, and the ticket office people just laughed at them. Apparently they were sold out for a FULL YEAR. The two men walked back with their heads down low, and they heard a call in the distance, “Hey! Are you guys part of the GI!?” They both looked up and said, “Yes, yes we are!” “I don’t think me or my family can make it to the show tonight, would you like our 4 tickets?”

They naturally took them and learned that they were seeing THE opening night of “My Fair Lady”. True friendship, right? 

What truly amazes me is the fact that even after all of these years, that friendship never ceased to end. Even though Uncle Charlie doesn’t know who his best friend is or what any of the pictures are that he is being shown-he has to know that someone cares. After hearing these stories and reminders, I have decided that I am going to go and do my job that people have been harking about me doing for some time now: I am going to go up to New Jersey and say goodbye to those old days and pack up some memories and keep them for later.

I just hope that one day I’ll have a family of my own that cares about me the way that we care about Charlie and that I’ll have friends that will go out of their way to visit me when I am old and senile. All we need is love and be able to convince ourselves that we are worthy of a happy life. Life keeps on moving and unfolding new things, and new chapters..We just need to be willing to read them and rewrite endings.

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past hopes and dreams.

My summer is virtually over. I leave at the beginning of the week. I have less than 7 days to say goodbye to the one place that I’ve always lived in and that I’ve always known. All of my friends live here. That guy that I kinda really like lives here. My family that I do love, but that I often can’t stand are here. I just don’t feel like I’m ready for this.

This past week I’ve spent my time baking, vandalizing, cleaning, celebrating, practicing, packing, cleaning, and thinking, all with my ridiculous friends that I will miss. I’ve felt like it’s been all a haze though…like I’m not actually about to leave. There are so many things that I want to say and do, but there’s just not a lot of time to do it all. Goodbyes should never be rushed or feel rushed-they should feel just right, no regrets.

Goodbyes are also never actually goodbyes, they are just, “I’ll see you later.” I want everyone to know that. And obviously I’m not dying..I’ve got a Skype, FaceTime, Facebook, twitter, tumblr, gmail, and probably a million other devices that I forget about..But really, I don’t believe in actual goodbyes, just stay in touch with me and you’ll know when I’ll be around and it will be as if nothing has changed.

I also just wish that you, and you know who you are, would just talk to me again like there was nothing ever wrong between us. I want to see you before I leave.

Yeah. And as you can tell, I hate change. It bothers me that this will be the first year that I won’t be home for Thanksgiving because I’ll be in Paris (okay that doesn’t really bother me), my sister will be married and won’t be home for Christmas (because she’s spending it with her new husband’s family and she’s doing Thanksgiving with our family), everyone at home will get readjusted to their new lives and when I’ll be home it will be different. I don’t want all of these familiar faces to become blurs. I don’t want my oboe teacher to go to Shenandoah because then how will I see him on breaks?

Maybe I am just really selfish. I’ve been given a great opportunity to go to Paris, and I’ll be breaking a tradition, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Kate’s fiancee really loves her and she really loves him, they are happy..I guess I’ll just have to get used to this whole other family thing too. I should be thankful for all the people that I have met who I can call great friends too, and if they are really great, maybe they won’t become blurs. Bill is a fantastic teacher who got me far, he definitely deserves a great opportunity like teaching at a conservatory, with a decent sized studio…Just why can’t I actually say these things out loud?

Change is definitely not easy to get used to, and it’s not something that you really can get used to; it’s something you have to change with and work with. None of it is easy. I just want to be able to be able to say to so many people how much I’ll miss them, but without crying. I want everyone to know how much they’ve affected me, but I also fear that if I say all of these emotions out loud, it will make me realize all of the change around me even more than I already can see. I guess it’s just a fact that I’ll have to grow into and grow with.

Born and raised in Lynchburg, VA for 18 years. Attended T.C. Miller Elementary School, Dunbar Middle School, and E.C. Glass High School. Used to want to be a lawyer by day and criminal by night. Now is an aspiring music therapist and oboe performer at West Virginia University. Has the greatest friends and family in the entire world. If it weren’t for the roots that I had in Lynchburg, I wouldn’t be half the woman I am today.

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and the cracks begin to show.

Tomorrow I am leaving for a week in Charleston, SC where I’ll be playing oboe every morning from 8-12. I am going to be staying in Mount Pleasant at a nice little resort and I must say I’m pretty stoked.

Confession time: I am starting to get a little scared about this college thing. I mean when I get back from South Carolina, I’ll be going to D.C. to meet my roommate, and then the week after that is my sister’s bridal shower so I’ll have family over all week..The week after that is when I leave. I am not ready to say goodbye. I am not ready to start over somewhere that I don’t even know. It took me so long to get to the point where I was even content with the ole Burg…I don’t want to lose that feeling.

Another confession: I have gotten way too in touch with my wild side this summer and I am incredibly sorry to everyone that I may have offended as a result of this…I am very sorry to one person in particular and they know who they are..Please call me back tomorrow? Please?

Truth is that I hate feeling reckless, but I hate feeling straight edge. Where’s the perfect balance that I need in my life??? I guess I will just have to wait for you to come back at full force…

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lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways.

"Love makes people do crazy things."

Not sure how I feel about that quote exactly. What about “Only fools fall in love”? Or the belief in “the one”?

Warning: This isn’t going to be a friendly post…More of a rant post.

I’ve known you for a few years now. We used to hang out everyday. We used to text each other until we fell asleep each night and send each other wake up texts. We used to take mini adventures. You used to be my designated driver while I’d provide an entertaining act. You used to come by my house in the middle of the night while I would be half asleep and make me come outside so we could walk around and literally talk about nothing. We used to comfort each other. We used to be there for each other. We used to say “I like you!” instead of the cliche “I love you” at the end of a conversation when in reality we probably did somewhat love each other. 

I miss all of that. I am glad that I met you four years ago. I want us to still hang out daily. I wish you would respond to all my texts that I sent you. I wish we could still take those mini adventures. I wish you were still my DD haha. I wish I felt like you still knew where I lived. I wish we could be 100% honest with each other. I wish I had been more open to seeing you this year and the same to you. I wish I had said “I love you” at the end of every conversation just so you would have known how much I really meant it. We both took risks and failed, but we can still continue to take risks and hope for good to come out of our trials. I hope you read this and realize how much I miss you.